Kidney Stones Saved my Life

24.1.17

As our first anniversary of marriage bliss approaches, it’s about time for the world to know the REAL story of how Matthew and I started dating. Hurry- grab some popcorn!
Disclaimer: There will be MANY moments that you will want to smack 2015 Kynia in the face. This is okay. Feel free to do so.

2015 was difficult. I had been very sick for over a year, I lost a LOT of weight and wasn't able to keep down much food. Every single day. A lot of days that were supposed to be spent at work, I spent in the bathroom unable to move. I felt like a huge burden to my family for all of the medical bills that were accumulating, and increasingly more frustrated as we chased a diagnosis that couldn’t be found. To top it all off, the ones who I thought were my close friends just weren’t there when I needed them. The word that we will use to describe this dark chapter is: bitter. I became bitter with life, my health, people, and the worst of all, I became bitter with God. I started to truly believe that He wanted me to be miserable. Forever. I did not reach out for help. But I wasn’t alone.
There was one person that was incredibly persistent in being a part of my life: Matthew. We had met while living in Italy, and so when he moved out to Utah to pursue his education, our friendship naturally continued. Matthew’s Italian is phenomenal, but he’s taught me so, so much more than just grammar. He would bring me flowers on days when I was especially sick, leave little notes of encouragement on my desk at work and he would remind me every single day that if I needed anything, I could count on him. Finally, I was fed up with it. I literally told him to leave me alone. “I don’t need anyone in my life right now, I can figure all this out myself” I said and slammed the door in his face. I found a dark cave and crawled inside. I lost all lust for life and felt disconnected from everything. My hope of ever finding happiness and healing was fading fast. And here is the part where I admit a very, very dark part of me.
I was suicidal.
Remember, “fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself”, so with a little courage, we can face this head on and beat it. Suicide is a tornado of despair. It is beyond any description that I could say here, and it is heartbreakingly common.
Anyone who is battling this darkness right now, you are not alone. I promise.

God needed me to learn a lesson and learn it well. And it was precisely in this moment when I was hit with kidney stones. After spending an entire Saturday in the ER and muddling through four days, it was determined that my body was unable to pass the stones on its own and I opted for a removal surgery. The surgery was scheduled and I was loaded up with tons of prescription medication. It was such a difficult, painful thing to experience but I am so grateful for it. The night before the surgery, I needed a ride to the hospital to get pre-op x-rays. After reaching out to a few of my (who I thought) were my closest friends with no answer, I sunk to the floor in despair.
But I wasn’t alone.
…I was left with one name in my phone: Matthew.
And so, in desperation, I asked Matthew if he would be able to take me. And he did. Cheerfully.
He also came to see me after the surgery (without my permission) and kissed my forehead so gently as he told me everything was going to be okay. (Anesthesia makes me cry. A lot.) Though I hadn’t disclosed the darkness that clouded my every waking thought, he somehow knew that I was mentally slipping away. And that man saved my life.
Recovery from the surgery in the weeks to follow was a nightmare. I was drugged out of my mind and in so much pain if I missed a dose of medication. And to top it off, I was living alone.
But I wasn’t alone.
Matthew would come between work and class every single day to make sure I was alright. He’d wake me up, feed me, and make sure I took my different doses of medication on time. He’d even set multiple alarms on his phone to keep track of all my different medications.
More than once, he gave me a priesthood blessing as I lay on the bathroom floor crying.
And so, even though I was on Lortab and my memory is somewhat foggy, I do remember this. I begged Matthew to be his girlfriend.
And the rest is history. We were—and still are—inseparable.
I am not afraid to admit to the world that I have faced these demons— I’m still fighting them. I want you to see the darkness that was my every waking moment, so that you may see how truly and purely Matthew saved my life with such simple acts of friendship. I want the world to know that true love exists. Great men exist and are still out there… and though I have no idea how, I ended up with the best one.
Additionally, I tell this story so that anyone else that is facing the shadows of suicide can see, you are NEVER alone. There are people who have felt what you have felt, there are people that would help you if you just reach out, and you are so, so loved beyond your imagination. Please don’t give up. Life truly does get so, so much better.
To those who have never faced this darkness, please be kind and understanding. What we want most—but would never ask for—is to feel cared for, if even just as small of a gesture as a hug.
There are people who truly love you. And those blessed individuals will never really leave you.They stick by our side through thick and thin.
Since recovering from that surgery I have fought back from that darkness, faced more health issues with severe medications and more surgeries, and including a serious battle with mental health but never once has he left my side. And even though my hair is falling out, he looks me in the eye and tells me I'm beautiful. Every day.
Believe me when I say that I find strength and healing in his love, because it's so, so real.

Matthew, my love, thank you. A lifetime of words couldn't tell you how much you mean to me, but I sure plan to try. You are my strength, you are my healing, you are my sunshine.


My friends, God loves you so much. He is so aware of your life and He truly has a plan for you. And it is harder, but better than you can even imagine. Trust in Him and listen.
And when hard things come your way, He will send angels to attend you. Just remember that those angels may be wearing a Florida State hoodie instead of wings.

Brighter days are always ahead! And I am always in your corner rooting for you.

Mischief Managed.
_kynia

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4 comments

  1. Such an inspiring story. Thanks for sharing. I hope that things get better for you and that you find some healing! And that picture is super cute!

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    1. thank you love! I am definitely healing and it's never felt so good xX

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  2. So glad that you have such an awesome guy to be with you through the hard, really, really hard stuff that life throws at you--along with the good times, too!

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    1. ain't that the truth. Life is just so much more rich because of the people in it xX

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