How to Be a Seven Peaks Supervisor

3.11.11

So… I kindasortaprettymuchreallytotally suck at this blogging thing. I haven’t posted in over 3 months…Ouch.



But, on a [kinda] positive note, I worked on this blogpost all summer, just for you! As many of you know, I’ve been a lifeguard at Seven Peaks for the past 3 years. I can honestly say it’s the worst job EVER and this past summer was the WORST, by FAR. Because of Seven Peaks’ everchanging policies and management, I would caution anyone seeking employment there. Seriously. DON’T do it. It’s NOT worth the paycheck, I PROMISE. But, thanks to my experiences this summer, I’ve written this not-so-little, lovely 1500 word blogpost for you! Now you get to see just how AMAZING Seven Peaks Supervisors are! Lucky you!
I apologize this post is quite lengthy but, hey, this is valuable information.



Before we begin, I need to define some basic terms…
---Sharkie Bucks: Seven Peaks employee currency that is worth a dollar anywhere in the park and can be entered in drawings for AWESOME prizes at Employee Parties. [I received a total of 7 this entire summer, 4 of which weren’t even from my own Supervisors.]
---Good/Bad Guard Checks: The Naughty/ Nice List that keeps track of the lifeguards’ job performance. If in good standing at the end of the season, guards receive a dollar/per hour bonus for every hour they worked.
---500’s: Required swim for lifeguards, 2 per week.
---SpotBreaks: If a lifeguard on duty needs anything, a Supervisor can come and take their place while they take care of themselves. In addition, a “Stationary” spot is for injured/ sick guards that have limited movement. For example, a guard with a fractured wrist would be stationary at the top of a slide, so their main responsibility would be just signaling.
---Audits: Supervisors are in charge of Auditing guards so they can properly assess their job performance. These include, Question, Scanning, and Rescue Skills audits.
---Code Three: The Emergency Code, used ONLY in Emergencies.

Now that you’ve been briefed it’s time to take a journey…

How To Be a Supervisor…



***No experience necessary! All you need is some brown on your nose and it’s GUARANTEED!
Congratulations on your employment! Before you let the authority go to your head, here are a few rules to help you get started!

1. Those little things called the “code of conduct” or “uniform policy”, don’t apply to you! Because, hey, you’re pretty freaking important. Feel free to drape earrings up, down and around your ears, wear booty shorts that expose half your butt, and show off your tattoos! Because hey, they look rad. Also, swear as much as you like while clocked in, and dance dirty when patrons are watching because it just makes you look cool. Oh, speaking of cool, don’t forget to bleach your hair different, unnatural colours because it looks cool and it’s not like the sun will bleach it or anything. Remember, you have a BLACK jersey, so looking professional otherwise is not important.

2. Remember to have your Signature Swagger. This includes, but certainly isn’t limited to, sticking your butt out as far as it can go in those short shorts and swishing it back and forth, sticking your head high and your nose even higher, a pained expression on your face, or swinging your arms widely, knocking people in the face as you walk.

3. Flirt with everything that has a penis. Or a vagina. Or both.

4. Feel free to brag and boast about how many competitions you’ve won, and how you cheated to win them. After all, look at where you are now! What a great example.

5. This one is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT:
When talking with patrons, be sure to use a condescending tone, and talk to them like they’re babies. After all, you are in charge. Oh, and a stinky diaper face is also required. Be sure to practice on innocent babies, smiling children and faithful employees until you get it just right.

6. Go ahead and write yourself Sharkie Bucks and give yourself Good Guard Checks, because let’s face it, you’re THAT awesome. Also, mark off your own 500’s, you’ll swim them, eventually.

7. Remember to choose favourites! And let them cover your shifts. It doesn’t matter if they’re good guards. After all, they’re nice to you, so they must be great people!
***When choosing “Assistant For the Day”, remember how you were chosen and choose in the likewise manner. This means, don’t pick the guards who actually deserve it, but go ahead and choose your best friends. After all, they may SUCK at guarding, but they’re sure nice to you.

8. Towards the end of the season, give Bad Guard Checks like influenza! After all, accidents NEVER happen. And besides, it’s ALWAYS the lifeguards’ fault, NEVER the patrons. But remember, “you still want them to get their bonus”.

9. When another supervisor is really sick, don’t take their shift. After all, you work waaaay too much. Seriously. One shift a day is killer.

Number 10: This is probably the most important, so PAY ATTENTION.

A. Talk to the guards in a derogatory tone. After all, you have a higher position than them, so they MUST be treated like dirt. Feel free to talk about them behind their back, and don’t forget to try to spread as many rumors as possible, because the “no gossip” rule only applies to guards, not you. Duh.
B. Also, don’t be afraid to ask the guards how to do stuff. Because, you know, it’s THEIR job to know CPR and backboarding, NOT yours.
C. Also, don’t be afraid to refuse spot breaks. After all, the guards are here to serve YOU. In addition, don’t check on them, EVER. After all, they’re made of steel and wont ever need sunscreen or water.
D. Remember, you hate spot breaks! Go ahead and make the injured lifeguards who should be stationary, rotate. Because, let’s face it, you’re faaar too busy SITTING in First Aid, and it’s not like it’s your job to spotbreak.
E. When spot breaking, if ever, be sure to wear your WHOLE uniform, ESPECIALLY your walkie talkie. You probably won’t need to jump in, and if you do, the victim will wait patiently while you take it off so you don’t get it wet. No worries.
F. Go ahead and audit guards as many times as you like, even during a Code Three. Because remember, being prepared is FAR MORE important than ACTUALLY RESPONDING.
***In addition, if a guard fails an audit because they were helping a patron, mark them 10 points down to assure it won’t happen again.
G. A “double-double” whistle is for you, but be sure to take your time and walk really slowly. It’s probably not important.
H. Feel free to pat your guards on their head, like a dog.
I. When “checking on your employees”, be sure to spend 20 minutes talking to your best friend, and then head back to First Aid. After all, it’s WAY too hot out there for you.
J. In the event of a dispute with a patron, don’t back your employees up on anything, even if they were enforcing a rule. After all, you don’t want to get involved in that mess. Just let the patrons treat your guards like crap, as long as your name is good, that’s ALL that matters.
K. When cleaning at the end of the day, make sure you STEP OVER the huge piles of French fries, ketchups and diapers, because your guards will get them. After all, it will increase their respect for you.
L. When there’s a job to be done, stand there like an idiot. After all, your guards know what to do. And it’s not your fault you’ve never worked here before so you have no CLUE what to do. No worries!
M. At the end of a long day, go ahead and sit in First Aid while your guards clean up the park. After all, it’s not like you’ve been sitting there all day.


****In the event of a Code Three, be sure to spin in a circle three times to remember what to bring. When you arrive on the scene, stand there like an idiot until the EMT arrives. After all, you don’t have any training higher than a lifeguard.

Once again, congratulations and have a fantastic summer here at Seven Peaks!

Mischief Managed.

_Kynia

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6 comments

  1. Haha Great post... Sounds like a crappy place to work... sorry you had to get treated like shiz while working there... =(

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  2. hope that's not how you saw me. Also I could help you lengthen your list by a lot.

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  3. I am really proud of you for sticking it out for the whole summer. BTW...did you end up getting your bonus??? Oh..actually you did get the shaft on that one too. Gary Briton should be ashamed of himself for taking advantage of young kids. But then, they don't really have a voice, now do they. Good post, Kynia!

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  4. :) haha well if I ever do apply for that job I will make sure to keep this list handy. it has some useful ideas on it hehehe.

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  5. Oops sorry...Gary Brinton..

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  6. By far the BEST Blog post I have ever read :P I'm never going back there again. I have other things to add to the list, but we'll talk about those later. Way to go Kynia and put them in their place :)

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